no contact on men

Does No Contact Work On Men?

A lot of times I’m asked by coaching clients (and you can schedule a coaching call with me HERE) and clients will ask, does no contact work on men?

Be sure to watch my video above all the way through before or after you read this article.

And the answer is yes. No contact works extremely well to get an ex back, whether that’s a man or a woman and I’m not someone who pretends that men and women are the same in everything, and I think that, that concept is actually silly and unproductive. 

Men and women are different. They’re different physically and you have to be an idiot to think otherwise, and we also are different emotionally and how we process the world around us, and how we interact with people. You know, some men and some women are not as different as other men and other women but in the world of psychology, it is clear that generally speaking, men process things differently than women, and generally speaking, women process things differently than men.

There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing that makes one inferior than the other because they process differently. That’s not what this is about, at all. This is simply trying to get your ex back and trying to understand the other person and being a man or a woman causes us to approach life differently and to have different experiences.

Even to feel different things because, yes, our hormones are different and even the fibers of our brain have a different composition if we are a man or a woman. We were created differently and we should both celebrate that because who wants a world where everyone is the same? I don’t and I doubt you do either.

So, does no contact work on men? Yes, it does and there are some things I want to share with you on how they react to no contact because sometimes men and women can react differently to it even though they are reacting to it and you are in the process of at least getting a chance to get them back. Because if they reach out to you, then it is working to some degree and you have an audience with them to re-attract them.

So, in nearly 20 years of doing this, I can tell you that men tend to have a more extreme response to no contact and that’s not always good, but what I mean by that is that sometimes men are more likely to be direct. But they are also more likely to go on the other extreme and be extremely vague and confusing, and part of that is because they think that, that’s what they are supposed to do.

If they realize that they want you back, sometimes they’ll try to play this coy game with you. Because they don’t want to push too much and unfortunately we’re all taught to play games with the other person.

Women a lot of times are taught from a young age to play hard to get. And so, a lot of female coaching clients that I speak to will describe rejecting a man and ignoring him, acting like they’re not interested in him and then wondering why he doesn’t ask them out a second time or at all, and why they can’t seem to get the interest of a man.

And it’s because, who wants to be with someone or go after someone when it looks like you’re gonna fail and she’s not interested?

Men have gone through that, most of the men that you’re gonna deal with unless you are a teenager or something who’s with someone in a first relationship – and I’ve spoken with people in their 30’s and 40’s in first relationships – and there’s nothing wrong with that. But I’m just saying that, unless this person has never had a relationship or had interaction with another person romantically, they have experienced rejection.

Men tend to experience it more because as a whole, society still thinks men should “make the first move” and that men should approach the female. Even very modern women who have careers and see themselves as perfectly capable of interacting with men professionally and otherwise will, a lot of times, in relationships expect the man to pay for the meal, expect the man to make the first move, expect the man to drive. It’s interesting things that I’ve just observed over the years.

I’m not reacting judgmentally or making any comments on that beyond those are the facts that I’ve observed.

So, women who have been taught to play hard to get often become pretty frustrated because they actually make themselves hard to get, and when you’re hard to get well, do you want to be difficult? Because usually men want the same thing women do and that is, they want someone it’s easy to be around. It feels like this connection is just natural and simple and that they don’t have to fight and dig and scrap to get this person’s attention.

We’re all adults here, so let’s cut the games. I remember one person posted on a website asking why this guy didn’t ask her out again because when he did the first time, she said “no” because “she wanted him to try harder.” That person, in my opinion, is potentially a narcissist and I don’t throw that word around.

People these days might say, my ex is a covert narcissist. You don’t know that unless it’s psychologically tested. Unless they actually go to an expert and become tested, it’s not likely that they are and less than 5% of population actually is.

I’m not saying your ex is not a narcissist, but just because they broke up with you does not mean that they are. They could be and if you believe this person is, do not try to get them back, run move on with your life. But the woman who said no because she wanted him to try harder is a jerk. It’s not surprising to me that this person had difficulty getting a boyfriend when she wanted a boyfriend. Because if she’s trying to manipulate him and treat him as though he’s a pawn in her game or in her world, obviously, men are not gonna want to put up with that, and so, if you are a woman watching this video, I encourage you put yourself in his shoes. Do you want someone who’s difficult? You would probably think they’re not interested and do your best to move on.

So, as you approach no contact, I want you to think about that also. I’ll discuss that a little further in a minute. So, men are more likely to be direct or they’re more likely to be vague. They kind of, take the extreme of going one way or the other and they do that a lot of times the vague part because they’ve been taught they need to play it cool. And you do need to play it cool, you don’t need to scare the other person or rush the other person or make things awkward. And I go into how to approach the other person about a face to face without being awkward, without being too fast in my emergency breakup kit. And you can get more information about my emergency breakup kit in the link in the description below, or you can just type in and you’ll see instructions on how to get the emergency breakup kit.

I’m going to generalize a bit about men and say that, there are men out there who have egos. Now, there are certainly women out there who have egos. We have all met people who think that they are more physically attractive than other people or that they are smarter than other people or that they are entitled to things other people have. Maybe even their income and those people have an ego. And when it gets too extreme, they have problems and they are not fun to be around, but men in general, have egos. It’s probably something you have observed if you’re watching this video. Having a little bit of an ego is a normal thing. Some people would say I have a bit of an ego, that’s fine, maybe I do.

Confidence can come across as having an ego sometimes, and if you’re a man is confident and has an ego, no contact can work on him very well because he actually has to observe that you are not chasing him. That you are not pursuing him and not trying to get him back, and so, the reaction often times inside of his mind, inside of his heart is, does she not think I’m attractive enough to pursue and try to get back after I broke up with her? Does she not think I’m worthy, is she just gonna move on and not even try to get me back? Those are things you want him thinking, you want that mystery there. Wondering why you are not doing anything. At least it looks like you are not doing anything and that can be attractive. Now, don’t get that mixed up with this outdated concept of playing hard to get.

There’s a difference because he broke up with you. Therefore, he already knows you were interested and that you didn’t want the breakup most likely. It’s actually a good thing if he knows that. I do encourage a little bit of push back after someone breaks up with you. But just a little bit, once you realize that they are in that stage and in that phase where they are resolute against the idea of getting back together with you. You make your case known by simply saying, I disagree, I think we’re great together, I love you, I don’t want to breakup, but I respect your decision and you back off. And as I’ve discussed in other videos and at The dumper often times has a lot of arrogance because when they dumped you in some ways it’s like saying, well, you’re not good enough for me, of course, they will lie to you and they’ll… might even say you deserve someone better or I need to work on myself.

But those things are BS, they really are, they’re fake reasons for the breakup. Breakups are because emotional attraction has fallen. Why would you wanna be with this person? When you are really motivated and attracted to the other person, you’ll do whatever it takes to be with them. You won’t say, oh, I’m not the person I wanna be so, lemme breakup with you. It’s not how that works, you can work on yourself and be in a relationship at the same time. As a matter of fact, you should be. We all should be working on ourselves constantly. That’s what life is, making yourself better, becoming a better person, working on your weaknesses and building up your strengths. So, it’s a ridiculous reason, well, I need to work on myself. If they were really attracted to you, and really wanted to be with you, then even if they needed to work on themselves, they couldn’t pull themselves away.

So, if a man’s ego takes a little bit of a shot because you are not reaching out, trying to get him back and it appears that you’re doing nothing to attempt to bring the relationship back together, then it’s going to mess with him.

The arrogance of the dumper is where he sees you as beneath him. After all, he was the one to dismiss you. No contact causes that gap to narrow to where he starts to feel that you maybe are not beneath him. That maybe you are more attractive than he thought there toward the end of the relationship, or felt that maybe he is more attracted to you because you’re not chasing him.

Because it appears that you think he is not as attractive maybe as he thought you did, because he probably expected you to chase and pursue and try to get the relationship back, and so that can raise your attraction some. Again, completely different from the idea of playing hard to get, you don’t want to do that at the beginning stages of a relationship or if you’re trying to meet men. It will most likely not work, but not pursuing someone when they breakup with you is different and often times will work.

He will see you as more attractive. Interestingly enough, men are more likely to reach out with one word while you’re doing no contact and usually, it’s “hey,” which is not the most creative way to text someone. Should you ignore it? No, you should be receptive but, you also need to mirror him to some degree. If he just says “hey,” you don’t need to say, “holy cow it’s great to hear from you, what’s been going on? This has been going on with me, mom’s doing better, I went to California last year, this year I’m going to Georgia.”

You should probably just respond with, “hey,” because you shouldn’t just become a dancing monkey because he reaches out to you.

And I have to tell people that a lot. Just because somebody likes a post on Facebook or unblocks you, it is not them standing with the bullhorn telling you to contact them. It is not them trying to give you some mysterious clue that you should do something. It might mean that they’re moving towards you a little bit. That they’re reconsidering some things. But if you respond when they have not truly reached out to you and contacted you by a message at least, then you will look pretty weak like you were just sitting there hoping that something, some little thing would happen, and in some ways it’s like they might think, is that all it took? “I unblock you on Facebook and you reach out to me?”

It’s gonna take more than that. If you respond to them, it needs to be when they reach out to you with an actual message like a text or a phone call.

Men are also more likely to request a face to face and again, some of that is social conditioning because men are more used to making the first move and interestingly enough, ladies, in surveys, men actually say that they appreciate it and that they find it attractive when women make the first move or suggest a face to face. Now you have to be careful with it, you can’t just do it too soon or prematurely. And the same rules apply to men and women in terms of, you can’t rush the other person or look like you’re desperate, or look like you are too easily won over as far as you saying you are in a relationship with this person and they are your soul mate. You know, it needs to feel earned on both sides – this is being earned together through time and growing together in conversation.

A lot of people that I speak to have told each other that they love each other within the first month of the relationship and it’s not a coincidence that they’re on the phone with me, a relationship coach who specializes in breakups.

So, let those things come about naturally in time and just because you feel it, doesn’t mean you have to say it right then. Use your head, this relationship should be more than just your heart. It should be your head as well because we are three-part beings – we’re mind, body, and soul – and so, all of them should be involved and your brain should be telling you it’s too soon to say I love you, it’s too soon to be talking about the names of our kids. You got to use your head and your heart.

Men are also more likely to be playful. They’re more likely to use inside jokes with you and try to be a little bit flirtatious and playful even though they’re not 100% ready to get back together with you.

Usually when the ex reaches out as I have said in other videos and in my Emergency Breakup Kit, which is linked to in the description below or you can get more information about it at When an ex reaches out they are not always, and I would even say they are rarely 100% sure that they want to get back together with you.

Usually, they want to feel that connection. They miss you to some degree and they’re just testing the water a little bit, seeing how it feels. They want to feel it but they also kind of, want to see how you two interact. He wants to see if he feels anything different than he felt when he wanted to breakup with you because he’s definitely moving towards you and you need to accept that this doesn’t always happen all at once.

People are not perfect, they don’t always know what they want and then sometimes, they move in small steps especially seeing as how the breakup likely did not happen by him simply waking up one day and deciding he was going to breakup with you.

As I have said before, usually breakups occur after a long period of thinking and reflection of ourselves and how we felt in the relationship. And so getting back together and at least deciding that he definitely wants to get back together usually takes a bit of time as well. And you should know that when your ex boyfriend does reach out to you that this does not necessarily mean and is unlikely to mean that they want to just jump back into the relationship again and you trying to force that will likely scare them away.

When it comes down to it, no contact works with both sexes and that’s because it’s about motivation and attraction, and when your ex feels that they’re possibly losing you, it forces them to look back at the breakup and wonder if they made the right decision. A lot of times they doubt their decision to break up with you. Most of the time, they doubt it.

It doesn’t mean it’s enough to make them reach out to you. If they are not reaching out to you, remember it’s that they don’t miss you enough. It’s not that they’re wanting you to reach out and say, “hey how are you,” which means nothing because usually they’re just gonna say, “pretty good how about you?”

The reason that your ex is not reaching out to you is because they don’t miss you enough yet. Usually, they miss you and they care about you unless you two hated each other’s guts and had horrible fights. They probably still think back on you and the relationship and have warm feelings and miss you just not enough to want to get back in the relationship yet – and that day may never come but it very often does – that at least they’ll reach out to you and you’ll have an audience with them to re-attract them.

And I go into this in so much greater detail and strategy in my Emergency Breakup Kit which is very effective in getting your ex back. But just remember when your ex texts you after you’ve been in no contact, be receptive, don’t ignore him. I still just talk to so many people who think that no contact means they’re supposed to ignore their ex and all that will do is make your ex think that they’re going to be ignored if they reach out to you, which will mean they stop reaching out to you.

That’s just how human nature works. Nobody wants to feel like they’re going to be ignored, or that it’s gonna be difficult. That’s a recipe to make the other person give up and move on with their lives and think the breakup was probably the right thing to do because you are ignoring them. So, the road is often long in getting your ex back, but you’ve got to start down the road in order to get to where you want to go and time is on your side.

I highly recommend that you scroll back up and watch my video on this topic all the way through so that you reinforce your knowledge and understanding of this topic. That will give you the best chance of getting your ex boyfriend back.

To get my help with your specific situation and a tailored map to getting your ex back, Schedule A Coaching Call With Me or get more information on my Emergency Breakup Kit.

-Coach Lee

Follow Coach Lee on Instagram, YouTube, and Facebook